a letter of an appology

Dear Allah,
I am so sorry about my writings yesterday. I know it's a mistake and it was rude and I feel awful about that, which I've known that at the very first I pressed publish button.
I was so panic and didn't know what to do. On the one side, I wanted to be by my father's side. And on the other side, I needed to focus on my final exam on this block.
But then, I talked to my bestfriends and I realized that no matter what You do to me has nothing to do with what I did and You did it for my own good. Thanks Titha, Mbak Ekha, Fety!
And I realized that I couldn't live without You and Your love and without knowing Your greatness. It's impossible to walk on earth with a handfull of reasons but with an empty heart.
I am so very sorry. Please forgive me, Allah.




With all of my soul and heart and my everything,
I am sorry.

why, Allah?

I am so angry right now.
Angry to You.
After all of the things I did, and I still got this.
I don't know, really. WHY are You doing this?
They said, You love us. They said, when You love us, You will give us some more "attention".
Well, I am sorry if I got this wrong, but I don't see Your love here or anywhere else.
All I want now is that everything back to normal, and we can live happily and care and love each other.
All I want is You show me something real that You are here to comfort me and to protect my family.
All I need is You, making my father better.
All the whole year I tried to focus on Your love, on Your greatness. But here I am ended up not knowing what to do next.
I do still believe in You and Your greatness and Your love. But I just don't get it. Why are You doing this?
I've been trying to find out "what" is behind all of this scenario, Your scenario. But now I'm so tired looking up and I'm so fucking tired of all of this.
I know that I might be regretting this post. But hell I don't care. You don't even seem to care.
I love my father and my whole family. I love You. But now I hate You for doing this to my family and me.
I envy every living person on earth who can laugh and be happy and very healthy and have a wonderful life and can do anything with no worries. I envy them. And somehow I blame You for doing this to me, for giving me this really heartbreaking experience, for making me this down and fall and not knowing how to get up and pretending to everyone around me that I am fine and I can do this. Do You know how it feels? Oh, sorry. You're the God. You made this.
I am angry to You. What have I done until You thought that I deserve all of this? Why not them? Why not the glamorous girls in the big cities that always burn their money to bags, shoes, or holidays? Why not those girls who always take every possible chances to capture their activities and show the world? Why not the guy at the bar who always makes himself drunk and somehow kills an innocent person? Why not those corruptors or killers or other people on earth? Why me? WHY ME, ALLAH?!

Chances

I am taking every chances,
whether I'm going to be able to finish it or not,
even if I don't know the risks,
I only ask, "what's next?"


I am taking every chances.
Not because I have to,
or I want to.
But simply because I can--at that time.
And clearly I don't think about what's waiting behind it.
If it's going to be hard, then so be it.

I have to take every possible chances in front of me while I can.

It's not about showing off what I can do,
but it's more like showing me what I can or I can not do.


The easiest way to measure your ability to do something is to try everything, no?

Big Family

I miss the old times.
When we laughed together.
When we shared everything without thinking.
When we talked about things and listened to each other.




I miss the old times of us.

:(

Allah,
Sembuhkanlah ayah hamba,
Sehatkanlah ibu hamba,
Kuatkanlah hamba,
Yaa Allah..

Engkau Yang Maha Baik,
Hanya Engkau yang bisa menolong hamba,
dan hanya kepada-Mu hamba memohon pertolongan, yaa Allah..

Bantulah hamba..